hmm hmm hmm... i'm so CONFUSED right now, i can't even determine how i feel about some people and certain things. i think maybe rachel's right... i must be emotionless! i NEVER know how i'm truely feeling! i HATE it so much. there are friends i don't know if i actually like, there are boy friends i don't think i ever really loved, i never cried when my pets died, i don't cry in sad movies, not even when someone close to me dies, i've never had a true broken heart, never had to get over someone, it's all a show! i think i'm dead inside or something like a walking heartless feelingless zombie! i dunno, i think right now i'd rather be oversensitive than being so undersensitive, it's not normal, and kinda frightening.

BUT, there is this boy, a boy that i think i REALLY like. but, i don't know for SURE cuz of my stupid messed up emotions and my DEAD heart. but i do know that he makes me smile... so much so, that when i talk to him my cheeks hurt, he makes me laugh so hard that i get such horrible stomach aches, when i think about him i'm so happy it seems as if nothing else matters, when i feel him there's an indescribable sense of comfort almost as if i were ment to stay in his arms forever, and when i see him... well... uh... let's just say... that i, uh... i feel EXPREMELY attracted to him...(i'll spare you the details)... LOL. but sometimes it feels like i'm TOO close to him, like, at times it feels like he's my brother or something which is weird. but, then i was thinking, maybe that's how... if you LOVE someone... it's SUPPOSED to feel... that you just love them, almost like a brother, i dunno. it's just that i think my past relationships have been based more on lust rather than love. so i'm so confused.... bleh... i'll just keep thinking about it...and if you know what love is or have any advice for me... PLEEEAAASE share it with me, to spare me of even further confusion! i need to figure this all out!

on a much lighter note.... okay, my sister, rachel, is what i would consider a tomboy... she never wears makeup, doesn't do anything special to her hair, she looks just about the same everyday, she's tough, and oposes most "gurlie" things. so today was rachel's preregistration thingy for school where you take your pictures, find out your schedual, buy yearbooks and all that jazz... and it was SO cool, she let me pluck her eyebrows (dangerous, screamed at every hair pulled out... mwuhahaha... it was a lot like torturing her, finally, i get even, hehe, just kidding!), put lotsa pretty makeup on her (beautiful, but HARD work... *twitch*rachel*twitch*...couldn't keep still!!!), do her hair (very cute), paint her nails, and pick out her outfit. she looked sooooo pretty, i did GOOD! (not that she wasn't pretty before).